[Present] A slow-motion car crash unfolds as Theo humiliates Jude at the airport. He thinks he's claimed his prize. But the most dangerous opponent is the one who lets you think you're winning.
Thank you! The POV shifts in this work are plentiful so I thought this would help the reader distinguish whose head are we in (or all at once like here.)
Being able to get into all of their minds, the effect of their actions, words and the tension of everything that's just brewing underneath is incredibly immersive.
It's fascinating to see the character dynamics and I love how they feel real, not just like vessels.
Moving through the scenes while knowing what each characters knows about each other and all the secrets they're holding.
How they try to hold to their images while their emotions make the best of them.
Much appreciated Carlos 🥰 The third person narration has to work harder to achieve that sort of intimacy, hence I am considering a first person rewrite of ToE at some point. Thank you for such thoughtful words x
So true of him. So true. Luckily as Jude and his entourage fly off to Tokyo they leave that twat behind and he'd feature much less hah. Jude and Bells will be sharing a marital suite unbeknownst to him 😅 Do I feel bad for him? Sometimes. Yeah.
The red lace scene, the unanswered "I love you, babe" in the terminal - this reads like literature, even if it's dressed up as romance. The psychological complexity here drawn me in. Great work.
this chapter strutted in like Heathrow’s doing a runway show called “Emotional Carnage” and honestly, I ate up every second. The tension was so thick I swear the recycled airport air couldn’t cut through it. Bells packing like she’s planning a prison break? Theo auditing her suitcase like an HMRC agent with abandonment issues? Pure theatre.
And then the lingerie reveal — my god. You wrote that with the energy of a man discovering Chekhov’s gun in Act One and immediately knowing he’s not surviving Act Three. His meltdown over the red lace was tragic, hilarious, and exquisitely petty all at once.
But the airport scene? That was sport. Jude strolling out of WHSmith like he owns share capital in oxygen, Theo snapping like a malfunctioning hedge fund algorithm, Bells trying to prevent a diplomatic incident with nothing but volume… perfection. The power swings, the missteps, the one-liners sharp enough to draw blood — delicious chaos.
And Jude giving her the boarding pass like it’s a love letter he absolutely shouldn’t be handing her? Theo wrapping an arm around her waist like a man trying to put a SOLD sign on a human being? The whole thing was feral.
But the ending… that silent walk through security, Theo’s “I love you” hanging in the air with no place to land — that was your real kill shot.
A gorgeous slow-motion disaster, written with claws out.
Oh, this episode was absolutely magnetic. You’ve written tension so thick it almost hums.
That quiet, unbearable hum of two people circling the ruins of something they once believed unbreakable. I loved how you captured the claustrophobia of love turned surveillance, “each folded garment felt like a small treachery, every zipped compartment another door closing between them”. What a perfect distillation of suspicion’s slow violence. And later, that brutal tenderness in “This is what love looks like when it’s dying. Pleading. Careful.” It just lands.
It’s heartbreak observed with a scalpel’s precision.
And yet, amidst all the sharpness, there’s such restraint. You never push emotion too hard; you let it smoulder beneath the dialogue, in the gestures. The knuckles whitening. The tightness in the chest, the sound of a zipper biting closed. The Heathrow scene, especially, felt cinematic in its cruelty. The public unraveling of intimacy against the sterile backdrop of an airport.
The writing is cold and elegant in the way a blade is elegant. Precise. Polished. Devastating.
I'm sure you make readers hold their breath without realising they have. p.s. there were too many good lines to highlight them all.
Urvasi, thank you so much - this feedback truly resonates. I've been experimenting with cranking up the sensory and psychological detail, a real departure from my earlier ToE screenplay approach. It's challenging for me to write this way, I have to dig deeper to surface the emotion. But hearing that it landed with you makes the effort worthwhile. Appreciate you always.
Omniscient is the light and the way.
I shall take that onboard Christopher, appreciate your feedback.
Impressive technique. Like the technical notes: “[Narration: 3rd omniscient]”
Thank you! The POV shifts in this work are plentiful so I thought this would help the reader distinguish whose head are we in (or all at once like here.)
I'm really liking this omniscient narrator style.
Being able to get into all of their minds, the effect of their actions, words and the tension of everything that's just brewing underneath is incredibly immersive.
It's fascinating to see the character dynamics and I love how they feel real, not just like vessels.
Moving through the scenes while knowing what each characters knows about each other and all the secrets they're holding.
How they try to hold to their images while their emotions make the best of them.
Greatly done.
Much appreciated Carlos 🥰 The third person narration has to work harder to achieve that sort of intimacy, hence I am considering a first person rewrite of ToE at some point. Thank you for such thoughtful words x
Looking forward to it!
Theo’s kind of a drag; a Real Catch on paper, but so twatty IRL.
So true of him. So true. Luckily as Jude and his entourage fly off to Tokyo they leave that twat behind and he'd feature much less hah. Jude and Bells will be sharing a marital suite unbeknownst to him 😅 Do I feel bad for him? Sometimes. Yeah.
The red lace scene, the unanswered "I love you, babe" in the terminal - this reads like literature, even if it's dressed up as romance. The psychological complexity here drawn me in. Great work.
Highest praise Chris 🥰
this chapter strutted in like Heathrow’s doing a runway show called “Emotional Carnage” and honestly, I ate up every second. The tension was so thick I swear the recycled airport air couldn’t cut through it. Bells packing like she’s planning a prison break? Theo auditing her suitcase like an HMRC agent with abandonment issues? Pure theatre.
And then the lingerie reveal — my god. You wrote that with the energy of a man discovering Chekhov’s gun in Act One and immediately knowing he’s not surviving Act Three. His meltdown over the red lace was tragic, hilarious, and exquisitely petty all at once.
But the airport scene? That was sport. Jude strolling out of WHSmith like he owns share capital in oxygen, Theo snapping like a malfunctioning hedge fund algorithm, Bells trying to prevent a diplomatic incident with nothing but volume… perfection. The power swings, the missteps, the one-liners sharp enough to draw blood — delicious chaos.
And Jude giving her the boarding pass like it’s a love letter he absolutely shouldn’t be handing her? Theo wrapping an arm around her waist like a man trying to put a SOLD sign on a human being? The whole thing was feral.
But the ending… that silent walk through security, Theo’s “I love you” hanging in the air with no place to land — that was your real kill shot.
A gorgeous slow-motion disaster, written with claws out.
I’m enjoying this too much 🙊 these longer pieces feel like sinking into a book and I’m utterly immersed before I even realise it.
“Why hold back now?”...
It sparkles on the page and it’s delicious 🤩
You know Jude —> he never holds back.
Ask him to be emotionally available, though, and he short-circuits like a cheap toaster.
😂😂😂
Oh, this episode was absolutely magnetic. You’ve written tension so thick it almost hums.
That quiet, unbearable hum of two people circling the ruins of something they once believed unbreakable. I loved how you captured the claustrophobia of love turned surveillance, “each folded garment felt like a small treachery, every zipped compartment another door closing between them”. What a perfect distillation of suspicion’s slow violence. And later, that brutal tenderness in “This is what love looks like when it’s dying. Pleading. Careful.” It just lands.
It’s heartbreak observed with a scalpel’s precision.
And yet, amidst all the sharpness, there’s such restraint. You never push emotion too hard; you let it smoulder beneath the dialogue, in the gestures. The knuckles whitening. The tightness in the chest, the sound of a zipper biting closed. The Heathrow scene, especially, felt cinematic in its cruelty. The public unraveling of intimacy against the sterile backdrop of an airport.
The writing is cold and elegant in the way a blade is elegant. Precise. Polished. Devastating.
I'm sure you make readers hold their breath without realising they have. p.s. there were too many good lines to highlight them all.
Urvasi, thank you so much - this feedback truly resonates. I've been experimenting with cranking up the sensory and psychological detail, a real departure from my earlier ToE screenplay approach. It's challenging for me to write this way, I have to dig deeper to surface the emotion. But hearing that it landed with you makes the effort worthwhile. Appreciate you always.
Not at the moment
Absolutely - though I might tweak the initial chapter first as had some thoughts on it from a potential editor recently.
Of course x